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Lost in the supermarket's Journal [entries|friends|calendar]
Lost in the supermarket

[ website | bullet in the rain ]
[ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ]
[ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

ew it's a quiz or more-just to pass time [29 Oct 2002|05:39pm]
[ mood | anxious ]

5.44 PM: gimme food. I'm at the library waiting for my mother to come get me. She's almost an hour late. i'm so HUNGRY! Some girl scouts are here and they have cookies and i want to steal them! oh that's mean.

What box do you get put in?

brought to you by Quizilla

Who is your Ideal Lord of the Rings (male) Mate?

brought to you by Quizilla
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sending you my love [22 Oct 2002|02:33pm]
[ mood | optimistic ]

Seriously forgot how love felt. Remembering it today and I feel a warmth I havent felt in a long long LONG time

(nothing heals me like you do)

2 comments|post comment

of greetings + goodbyes [23 Sep 2002|07:50am]
[ mood | drained ]

ow ending discreetly, just like a hidden sin, as I go under please tuck me in.

Make me invisible.

This hidden explosion calls for a wandering cast with no direction.
Enter all the monsters let us twist another fairy tale.
Go kill the lights, we'll glow till the morning comes.
I'll say goodnight and bow to everyone.
Then we go under.
The beauties are sleeping as fruit just rots away.
Today go hungry.
Let it begin.
Make me invincible.
There was a weeping I carried down today, a sigh worth keeping.
Deep within divinity let's start another secret show.
No need to worry it is just another monster.
No need to fear here in the secret show.
No need to worry I am just another monster.
In you, I'll see me, in the secret show.

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imma going nowhere fast, but i dont care- [23 Sep 2002|07:40am]
[ mood | supernothing ]

(sigh) its hot in this library. Does anyone know anything about El Salvador? ugh.
At least it's a half day here. Im going to Alex's house today. Yay

i'm so tired.

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Disposible romance [18 Sep 2002|10:09am]
[ mood | silently angry at the world. ]

I got a crappy part in Our Town, but I didnt expect anything huge because im a freshman. Sucks.
I'm eagerly rocking back in forth in my computer chair. Goddamn OD still wont let me delete.
I miss Jon and his wit...and his fucked up charm. Disarming, almost.
I dont miss Jon and his stupid tendancy to use me for some kind of disposable romance.
Because it wasnt just physical, lets not lie to ourselves.
My expendability rate must've gone up a million points.

Blah, Regrets are a waste of time.

I met a boy, His name is Evan and he's incredibleness. On the day of tryouts he approached me and asked me to be his reading partner so i was, which lead to a very deep conversation as to why we're here and why we are who we are.
I told him about my scars, about outpatient therapy programs (ha), about Jon and Kyle and...arrrgh basically everything.
He told me alot about him, about why he's here and about his family and whatnot.
We must've sat on the curb for an hour and a half just talking. I introduced him to mom (mom adores him...irony kills me.)

Yes he's rad.

Catch 22 was great. Only problem was that some bitch next to me kept trying to pull down one of the guy's pants when he leaned over the crowd and i got blamed for it.
I moped the rest of the night.

keep hittin' on them freshman girls.

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wish [16 Sep 2002|06:16am]
[ mood | angry/nausiated/dead/hurt/fuck ]

I dont know whats wrong with me today. I had this dream and it killed.
reoccuring dreams.
(kill me)
I drank some bad milk this morning, so I feel like im going to vomit.
(mom told me not to call her today, so here I am)
I'm so tired of everything. I was in a "damned-if-i-do-damned-if-i-dont" situation, I picked what seemed right and i hurt



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full on fuck. [14 Sep 2002|02:56pm]
[ mood | morose ]

I spilled my guts.

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everything is gonna be fi-i-i-i-ine [13 Sep 2002|01:42am]
[ mood | listless ]

finally friday. I didnt think it would ever come. Pretty yucky sort of day, didnt have my lab because of some godforsaken scheduale confliction.

I have my meeting for drama in about a half hour. I'm just killing time in the media center.

(sigh) but you know whats good? The C22 show tonight.

"I dont need anyone to tell me what to feel" good fun. Allen gave me a cookie today (glee) I dont really know him but i see him all the time and out of all the boys i've met since the begining of the year he's the bomb.

hope i get to know him (sounds pathetic) sorry for mending.

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thank you very little. [12 Sep 2002|04:09am]
[ mood | angry ]

"and I dont understand what keeps me breathing"

Been thinking about handicapped bathrooms. I swore that i'd never go in one again...I dont like to think about what goes on in those little 6x6 rooms. I've been there before. Besides, it would bring back how my first love ended for good.

That wouldnt be cool. Anyway, been contemplating. About nothing again.

About people that used to give a shit. But there's really no reason I suppose. I'll just quit too.

watch me fly.

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militia [11 Sep 2002|02:13pm]
[ mood | giddy ]

Today i am lacking in the thought department. I sat in a memorial service for those who died a year ago today, as im sure most of the other kids here did. I didnt like being there, but i made the best of it because I respect the people who died.

Not the government. :-p

anyhow...i gotta go get all happy about catch 22 friday. Racheal is coming with! YAY! so me go listen to keasbey nights!!!!

2 comments|post comment

happy birthdays. [08 Sep 2002|03:48pm]
[ mood | discontent ]

i dont know what to say, really.

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all the pretty freshmen. [08 Sep 2002|02:45pm]
[ mood | sick ]

New life. New game.

Figures that today I'd miss him. But I know that this is the right thing. This is why I cried.
This is why i cried on that bench next to him. The writing was on the wall that this was it. It occured to me that this was the last time i'd see his face and this was the last time I would sit around with him basking in what was the afterglow of a day spent together (did that make sense?) But the afterglow wasnt even there that last time.

It rained that day.

I had a dream about all of them this morning, it brought everything to the front.

I thought I was happier, and I think I might be. School is great. I love being around all these different people, all new to me. I've made a few new friends as well, I've even been asked out (by an eighth grader that looks like harry potter...except younger...acts younger...he's like the gay guy friend that I never had as well.)
..so i suppose that doesnt count.
point is: that I like my life now. It's not too bad. I am definately living without Jon, and im not dying inside like I always had in previous attempts to go my separate way.
I am just okay though.

I miss Ira as well. Really do. I wrote her a letter in study hall the other day, but I know she'll never read it.
Oh how i love those letters.
I could write a million.

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in my place [25 Aug 2002|05:15pm]
In my place, in my place
Were lines that I couldn't change
I was lost, oh yeah

I was lost, I was lost
Crossed lines I shouldn't have crossed
I was lost, oh yeah

Yeah, how long must you wait for it?
Yeah, how long must you pay for it?
Yeah, how long must you wait for it?
For it

I was scared, I was scared
Tired and under-prepared
But I'll wait for it

And if you go, if you go
And leave me down here on my own
Then I'll wait for you, yeah

Yeah, how long must you wait for it?
Yeah, how long must you pay for it?
Yeah, how long must you wait for it?
For it

Singing please, please, please
Come back and sing to me, to me, me
Come on and sing it out, now, now
Come on and sing it out to me, me
Come back and sing it.

In my place, in my place
Were lines that I couldn't change
And I was lost, oh yeah
Oh yeah

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...which reminds me of why i dont have internet in the first place. [25 Aug 2002|04:59pm]
[ mood | depressed ]

For some reason I felt like writing. Why, why, why do i feel the need to get on here!

Everything's fucked up. I saw jon yesterday, it was awesome until near the end when i started crying. I dont even know why, other than the fact that i realised how much he meant to me and that ignoring that had taken its toll. Plus I was exausted. Tired of everything.

his mother hates me more than before i guess, because I called him up on the way home to apologize for the crying thing. I guess it's because I tried to talk to her.

Excuse me, Sorry for everything. This is my letter of apology for exposing how i feel everyone, i'll try not to do it anymore I promise.

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[21 Aug 2002|03:55pm]
[ mood | bored ]

I hardly ever write anything worthwhile anymore. I suppose its cause i've learned to keep to myself more since im never online to expose anything anymore...

Besides, exposing true feelings to just anyone = trouble.

I found out that Catch 22 and Goldfinger are coming to portland and augusta September 10th and 13th. You dont know how excited I am...It'll be my second time seeing Catch 22 and my first time seeing goldfinger..yay.

I wonder how everyone's doing, since no one is ever online in the afternoons. uhh..i guess i'll go.


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chasing butterflies [20 Aug 2002|03:41pm]
[ mood | accomplished ]

I'm excited.
I'm smiling.
Yet I am at the library, not on my computer, stomach feeling yucky (everything except my mental state feels yucky...go figure)
but there's this most beautiful little baby i just saw. I think that's the only thing i miss about my job (besides the paycheck) was the little ones that would be there with their mothers and fathers and possible siblings..They are just so in their own little word and they just marvel at the world around them. Its amazing.

on another note..

I'm going to massachusetts Saturday...I havent been since the day before my birthday, which was in april, so im looking forward to that.
problem is that i gotta sneak around in order to see jon. I hate to do it, but i dont see any other options. As long as nothing goes wrong, it should be great.

i guess i'll go now.

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Make It Last - The Ataris [16 Aug 2002|03:04pm]
There's a lot on my mind
so I guess that I'll take it one thing at a time,
still sometimes I can't help but wonder why...
I sit around all day
and I waste my whole damn life away,
still thinkin' bout' just what there is to say.
(Chorus #1) Should I say goodnight???
...got to bed, turn out the fucking light
and leave you shining in the past.
Should I try and forget???
...even though next week it's something I'll regret.
Or, should I try and make it last?
I think about the day
when I felt you'd throw it all away
to try to make me feel like I'm the one.
You were my best friend,
and I never ever thought those days would end
but now it seems like they are gone
(Chorus #2) What more can I say???
...I never wanted it to be this way,
And where the hell is yesterday???
...We sure had a blast!
I'm sorry that we're living in the past,
should we try and make it last?
(Repeat chorus #1)

Note: this song has been stuck in my head for days now.
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Email Survey thing [13 Aug 2002|03:07pm]
[ mood | geeky ]

> >> >1. What time is it? Hard telling not knowing >>
> > >>
> >
> >
> ><<
> ><<
> >
> >> >2. Name as it appears on your birth certificate? black and typewritten
> >
> >
> >>
> >>3. Any nicknames? Not anymore, really.
> >
> >
> >
> ><< >
> >> >4. Parent's names? Dexter and pam.
> >>
> >> >5. Number of candles that appeared on your last birthday cake? 14
> >> >
> >> >6. Date that you regularly blow them out? my birthday..err
> >> >7. Pets? what about them?
> >> >8. Favorite animal? humans are sort of amusing, but i like goldfish
> >> >
> >> 9. Tattoo? You dont wanna know where, baby
> >> >10. How much do you love your job? being a student is the best man!
> >>
> >> >11. Birthplace? my mom

> >> >12. Favorite vacation spot? muy bedroom

> >> >13. Been to Africa? no sadly
> >> >
> >> >14. Stolen any traffic signs? Naw
> >>
> >> >15. Been in a car crash? no
> >>
> >> >16. Croutons or bacon bits? both
> >
> >> >17. 2-door or 4-door? four door
> >>
> >> >18. Coffee? mmm
> >
> >
> >
> ><< > >19. Salad dressing? o yes
> >
> >> >20. Color of socks? Checkered
> >> >21. Favorite number? 205
> >>
> >> >22. Favorite movies? Animal house, Grosse Point Blank, Midnight In The Garden of good and evil, and..of course...better off dead
> >> >23. Favorite color? green and blue and gray
> >> >
> >> >24. Favorite Holiday? Chinese new year!
> >> >
> >> >25. Favorite Food? Macaroni and cheeeeese!
> >
> >> >26. Favorite day of the week? Saturday
> >
> >> >27. Song of the moment? Eh, Guilty Pleasures by Catch 22
> >>
> >> >28. TV show? n/a
> >>
> >> >29. Toothpaste? Whatever's in the cabinet
> >> >
> >> >30. Most recently read book? Midnight In The Garden of Good and Evil
> >
> >>31. Perfume/Cologne? none
> >
> >> >32. Favorite thing? my stereo
> >>
> >> >33. Fast Food place? BK
> >
> >> >34. When was your last hospital visit? uhhh..when i was evaluated to see if i had to be put in the psych ward for a few days
> >
> >
> ><<
> ><<
> >> >35. Favorite drink? Dr. pepper
> >
> >> >36. How many times did you fail your drivers test? Havent tried yet
> >>
> >> >37. Where do you see yourself in 10 years? at a computer
> >
> >> >38. What do you do most often when you are bored? boring things
> >
> >> >39. Furthermost place you sent this message? dumb question

> >
> >

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look around little brother [03 Aug 2002|01:17pm]
[ mood | infuriated ]

you tell me you got nothing, you tell me she rips you apart, she makes you feel like you're losing you mind. She doesnt keep any promises. Now you are where I am..or where I was...im still trying to figure out the details...har..har....

As I recall. all you told me was that "You gotta get over him, man" and now all i can say is the same. now you know how it feels. When they say things...and then they dont follow through. Then (ha this is the real kicker) after not giving me the time of day, you come crying to me. Well i'm done with that. You arent being fair. You dont care...and since i care..you dump it all on me, expecting me to clean you up while you dont give me anything at all.

you see, i love you. this is why im hurting now. still.

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bend me break me anyway you need me as long as i want you baby, it's alright [03 Aug 2002|10:58am]
[ mood | hopeful ]

So everyone's yelling at Joanna this morning, and im writing a letter to a local newspaper about the Windham Teen Center. My aunt enlisted me. Oh brother.

this is my last day, im going home tonight. I dont want to go. I dread going. Nothing to do except fight to the death with my parents. I dont want that. Supposedly my father has been good as I have been away. Good. He should be good to mom. She didnt do a thing. if anything, it's my fault.

I dont wanna go home
I dont wanna go home
I dont wanna go home

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